At the end of almost every date I go on, I
am left fighting over the bill. I am frequently surprised with just how irate
my date gets during these disputes. On one particular occasion, when I insisted
that I pay for my own food, my date replied that he gets offended when a girl
wants to pay for her bill. This sentiment particularly irked me; he’s allowed
to be offended when a woman offers to pay, but when a man offers to pay I’m
supposed to feel grateful? Why am I
not allowed to be offended?
I always insist on paying for my half of
the bill. Often the man responds by saying that he’s ‘old-fashioned’ (which I
have come to realise is code for chauvinist and backwards) and that he
considers it gentlemanly to pay the bill. But a man paying the bill for a woman
is not gentlemanly. Frankly, it is somewhat insidious. Reading any anthropology
or sociology text on reciprocity makes it pretty clear that nothing comes for
free. When someone pays for you, you are then bound to that person. You don’t
have to repay that person immediately but there is an obligation of reciprocity
inherent in any seeming ‘gift’. In Mauss’ eponymous study on exchange, he
argues that while gifts appear
voluntary, “in fact they are given and repaid under obligation.” Gift-giving
forms relationships that join people to each other. As an example, he discusses
the Maori concept of hau, the ‘spirit’
of a gift which creates a link between the giver and the receiver. If the gift
is not reciprocated, the spirit will make the receiver ill.
Like Mauss, Malinowski emphasises the
importance of reciprocity in his analysis of the Kula of the Trobriand Islands. Kula
(literally meaning ‘ring’) is a form of exchange linking islands and
communities in an unbreakable circuit. Soulava,
long necklaces made from red shells, and mwali,
bracelets made from white shells, are constantly exchanged in opposite
directions around the circuit. The Kula
serves many purposes: it fosters inter-tribal cooperation; facilitates trade; cements
social hierarchies; and denotes personal honour. The exchange of soulava and mwali forms a “lifelong relationship,” which ”implies various
mutual duties.”
Some may argue that I am overreacting with
my opposition to having my meals paid for by a man. But these studies, and others
like them, demonstrate that reciprocity, and the links it creates between
individuals, is a powerful social force that may lead women into future actions
that they are not comfortable with. A university friend of mine was once given
a highly sought-after ticket to a ball by a male friend and her first comment
was, “oh great… now I’m going to have to have sex with him.”
I don’t mind being treated every once in a
while and I don’t think that the men I have dated over the last year were
necessarily trying to entrap me into some future promise of sex. But constantly
being paid for is degrading and humiliating. Healthy relationships require an equal
distribution of power and this is impossible when one individual is indebted to
another.
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